A Chronicle of Yourself in Retrospect

15/07/22

By understanding oneself, one will dive deeper into comprehending others.

I was looking back at my orchestral performance videos dated 4 years ago. The feeling of watching yourself from a screen gives you both familiarity and distance. On one hand, you feel closeness to this person, it's just a different version of yourself from a different era in your life. On the other, you feel distant to this person because you will never be able to directly communicate with her.

I'm sure that it has occurred to you when viewing videos of people some time ago where you might ponder on their whereabouts now. Well, at least that's what I think about all the time.

It's just an open thought with no answers to it, until the person you are viewing at is yourself.

When I was looking at myself from 4 years ago, I would have never expected that in a year, she would meet her boyfriend, would study in a decent university, would hustle while studying, would meet amazing people from different places, would live alone in dorms, would experience solitude abroad and the more.

I know all the things she went through, but at the same time, in the video, she is only focusing on what she knew about everything to life. Everything she did afterwards are like scattered dots that end up tracing to who I am today- a 21-year-old female trying to experience her youth as much as possible.

The same soul, the same body, the same physique, the same genetic composition, however, I am aware that the me in the video is no longer the me now. And the me now will no longer be the me in the future. Why? Because every day, I'm changing incrementally by each novel experience I encounter in life.

Sitting in this homey cafe in Seoul alone on a sunny day with an empty seat across me makes me want to invite her for a cup of coffee, my treat. And so, I could catch up with her and reassure her that all the choices she made would be the best she could have ever made in her time.

I guess it's time to explore around the city so I can accumulate more experiences for the me in the future.